Coaching Instead of Rescuing: The Key to Your Child’s Social and Emotional Growth

“A ship in a harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.”  – John A. Shedd

Sweaty palms, rising blood pressure, panicky feelings … discomfort is a common life experience.  We feel it whenever we attempt something new and difficult, when facing someone who is angry with us, when we start a new career.  These are unpleasant, vulnerable situations and our primal instincts tell us to lash out against the source of discomfort or retreat to what feels stress-free, relaxed, and safe. 

And yet, discomfort is necessary for growth.  Life simply will not agree to meet us only within our comfort zones.  By pushing ourselves into new territory, we learn that we are capable and resilient.  Whatever achievements you’ve achieved at this point in your life, you reached these by pushing through anxious moments and attempting things that were stressful. As psychologist Susan David writes, “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”  

But this reality seems to conflict with our primary responsibility as parents and teachers: to protect our children from harm. When our child or student is distressed, our impulse is to relieve them of their emotional burden. We want to speak to their teacher on their behalf, let them stay home from school for the day, or change what the world is asking of them. But doing such things has the opposite effect than we want.  Avoidance teaches children that they are incapable of handling challenges.  Repeated avoidance results in a long-term pattern of anxiety and dependence.  

For our children to grow and develop in healthy ways, they need to learn to respond differently to difficult circumstances.  Our role as parents and educators is to teach children to lean into these situations, facing them with a determination to solve problems and thrive.  

During this school year, a child may ask us to rescue them: 

• “I want to move to a different class because a student in my class doesn’t like me.” 
• “I need to stay home because I’m not ready for the science test.” 
• “I stayed in the bathroom a long time so I wouldn’t have to admit I don’t understand the lesson.” 
• “Some kids laughed when I dropped the ball. I’m quitting the team.”

We need to hear these as requests for coaching and empowerment. 

How do I coach a child in these situations? 

1. 1. Don’t try to talk your child out of what they’re feeling. Instead, help them name it and carry on in spite of it. 
      • Ask what they are feeling and where they feel it. Is their head tight? Does their stomach hurt? Are their hands clenched? Some children have not yet learned how to recognize and name their emotions. 
      • Ask what outcome they want. Not what they want to avoid, but what they want to be true by Friday. This shift in thinking encourages a child to solve problems instead of focusing on their dread. 
      • Resist solving the problem for them. Help them talk the problem out instead and let them carry the plan back to school themselves. Role-play the hard interaction if they need it.
      • Afterwards, recognize their effort. “You went in even though you were nervous” reinforces their strength more than “See, that wasn’t so bad.” 
   2. Help your child find techniques that help them to calm their body and mind. Common examples include: 
      • Deep breathing
      • Grounding techniques such as “Name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you can touch.” Exercises like these can bring the child to the “present moment” and help decrease anxiety. 
      • Healthy daily activities, such as exercising and journaling one’s thoughts and worries, can help with long-term stress management.
   3. Use the acronym “HALT” to evaluate if the child is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. A surprising share of emotional moments are due to one of these temporary situations. 

Safety before struggle

When we ask children to take risks, we need to make sure their environment is safe enough to do so. They need to know the adults coaching them will not respond too harshly if they don’t succeed and that the consequences are not too severe. We can’t protect children from the realities of failure (in fact, failure is a necessary life experience), but the point is for them to see that the consequences are manageable and worth the effort. 

This is especially true in a school environment. The more energy a brain spends on guarding its owner, the less it has left for learning. At de Paul, that is why our school culture focuses so much on emotional wellbeing. Many of our students enter de Paul having already learned not to trust school. Teaching them to trust their teachers and their classmates again is as much of our responsibility as teaching them to read. We begin each school year with a promise to students that they will be “known, understood, and liked,” and we work daily to fulfill this while also holding high expectations for them. 

What if the anxiety keeps arising? 

Frequent or persistent anxiety indicates the child requires something more. In this case, coaching and other supports are needed from you and teachers in collaboration with a mental health professional. Very importantly, removing the obstacle might bring temporary relief, but it usually increases the anxiety the next time that trigger is encountered. 

	Normal Anxiousness	Chronic Anxiety
Trigger	Tied to a clear, real-life event	May occur without a clear danger or stems from overestimating everyday risks
Duration	Short-term. It fades away once the stressful situation ends.	Persistent and recurring, often lasting six months or longer.
Impact	Serves an adaptive, protective purpose by keeping one alert, focused, and motivated.	Interferes heavily with work, school, relationships, or ability to enjoy daily life.
Intensity	Proportional to the situation, allowing you to continue functioning normally	Often features intense physical or mental strain, including fatigue, muscle tension, sleep disturbance, or panic.

In preparation for school changes … 

As we prepare for de Paul’s merger with Meredith-Dunn School, we will offer multiple opportunities for your child to experience the campus, students, and teachers that will be part of our new school. Removing as much of the unknown ahead of time will help reduce anxiety related to change, as will lending an ear whenever they want to talk. Change can certainly be unsettling, but it is a necessary part of life, and when we help students to embrace it with optimism and confidence, we are teaching a skill that will steady them throughout their lives. 

Share your thoughts with us.

de Paul teachers and staff are eager to team with you as we guide students in tackling problems, resolving conflicts, and growing into independence.  Please reach out when we can help.  For over half a century, The de Paul School has coached students through thousands of such experiences, helping students to become confident and independent advocates for themselves.  

Phil Howell is the Interim Head of School at de Paul.